alright people -
papers are in, exams are finished, grades are posted and the most hellacious month of my life is completed complete with mental breakdowns, disastrous life decisions, and a small, yet traumatic run-in with the stockton police. somehow, i managed to come out on the other side unscathed and may is beginning with a fresh start.
i move to down the shore to wildwood in four days in attempts to recreate my own real-life version of the jersey shore. seriously having an anxiety attack over the massive amounts of clothes that i have a the limited amount of storage space available to me at my new place. but after the shit storm that overcame my life in the past month, i am ELATED at the fact that this is my biggest worry at this very moment.
in an attempt to regain and maintain some semblance of my life through what is sure to be a whirlwind of a summer, i will post everyday, promise. so follow my posts as i try to capture some of the greatest moments of my life, which i plan to need some help remembering anyway…
so all of a sudden its december and im knee deep in one of my traditional hermit state where i literally shut myself off from the entire world. its finals week, so i dont think anyone finds it odd that i have literally dropped off the face of the earth and shut myself in l32 and the back corner cubicle of the library since before thanksgiving, but i have. and honestly i dont even have that much work. i go to a liberal arts college and im a business major - the most intense task that i have that seems to be panning out is an excel spreadsheet. its just one of my normal, yet strange, periods of solidarity and silence that i need to get myself through life, because lets be real, who can face all the shit that comes are way all the time, without going absolutely ballistic.
march 13th, 2009 began the roller coaster that has been my life for the past three years. my world went from flawless to faulty in literally a matter of thirty seconds and itll never be the same again. i didnt know how to deal with what was going on and everything was spinning violently out of control. the worst part of the whole thing was that there was no one i could blame for what was going on. obviously, it was someone’s fault and if i did like some deductive reasoning bull shit that i learned in my qbm class, i could probably assign an iota of blame to someone or other, but there was no one to pin it on, no one to scream at, no one to point out. it doesnt really matter what happened, what matters is that date changed my family. it changed the way i handle and react to any and every situation in life. it altered any sense of security i ever had any sembelance of and it sparked and continues to fuel my overwhelming anxiety, nervousness, and fear. it defines the person who i woke up as on march 14th, and woke up this morning as on december 2nd.
i always looked at march 13th, 2009 as a horrible day. the day that the metaphorical “dark cloud” began to hover over and envelope twelve blue heron terrace and the six people who dwelled within the four walls. the day that messed up all of my plans and ruined who i was. but really, it wasnt such a bad day. i went to school, ate dinner with my family, watched a movie, and went to bed. it was just a day where i got terrible news, that temporarily altered my state of mind. it was just like the day when i found out that my grandpa died and like the day that i stopped talking to my best friend. looking back march 13th wasnt a horrible day, it was the day that i learned to be thankful.
i suppose this hermit like state has transformed from the angsty, “screw the world” into the reflective, “thank goodness gracious”. and so, in honor of my three year permanent roller coaster journey and in celebration of the christmas season, this is a shout out and the biggest thank you to everyone who has watched me cry, held my hand, or been a shoulder to lean on. you are the reason i am thankful this holiday season - for making my problems your priorities and sticking with me no matter the reason.
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